Offically Sucks!

Wow! Just wow! I bear my soul for the first time in years and I'm the bad guy.
You tell me to be happy and so something to be happy and stop hiding. And the first time that i do that You tell me I'm a lier and bad friend and you don't trust me any more. What? I have to be myself so long as it doesn't hurt you, or get in the way of your happieness, or get in the YOUR way.
Now I know why I hide. Why I'm not looking for love. Why I'm not going to allow myself to ever be happy. Because if I don't want to hurt you I can't do anything that resembles me or my personality.
You now have left me with two choices be nobody and hurt no one but myself, or hurt you and other people and be myself.  SOME CHOICE! I so love you too best friend.

Summer

Have you ever had a really really great day and at the end of it knew that the next few days/weeks/months were either going to awsome or awful. That's my week and so far it's looks like my summer will be both. Oh well!

The things I miss

I miss his hair
I miss his eyes
I miss the way he holds me tight
I miss the way his lip fit perfectly against mine

But I also miss another's touch
The way he looks into my eyes
The way he talk to me about everything
And they way he makes me smile

One of you is real and one is not
One of you will always be mine
One of you I've already lost
One of you I'll never touch

I have and active fanticy
Of you and I combined
But as much as we could be
We never seem to agree

There's things I'll will want to have
Things you never see
And that is why as much as I miss you now
There will be nothing between you and me.

Somehow I thought it would hurt less

I'm so stupid!
I don't know what I was expected to happen but this wasn't it.

Today I did something very brave and stupid!
I told the man I'm madly in love with how I felt.
And to make it worst, he feels the same way....

How might you ask is that worst then him not.
Simple. I Love him but I know he's no good for me and don't want to be with him.
Even though I do.
And it makes my heart hurt so bad that I just have to cry.
But I'm glad that I told him....
Because now I can find closure and move on.

And I will... it will just take time.

Revalations.... awh crap!

Well I officially want to kick myself ....
I just realized something....
I am a truly remarkable screw up!
And that the only man I've ever been ashamed to have been with was a total jerk!
He wanted sex out of me and he was wiling to do anything to get it.
Even say "I love you."
But he didn't love me. I know that now.
If he loved me he would have held me.
He would have made me feel good about myself.
He wouldn't have spent the entire time we were together talking to and about his ex girlfriend.
He did just enough to make me feel sexy, but he didn't really want me.
He did just enough to get me to do exactly what he wanted and to get what he wanted.
And to make it even better, he stopped himself to make him look like the hero!
HA HA HA!
I may have been in love with some loser and some jerks, but he really takes the cake.
I can't believe I ever fell for his lines and lies!
I really hope I never let him fool me again. Because fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice shame on me.

New Years resolutions

I have made a lot of resolutions for the year but I've got one that I'm not going to give up on.
This year NO MEN!

NO kissing.
NO hand holding.
NO relationship beyond just friends.
NO falling in love.
NO hugging anyone I have romantic feelings for.
NO cuddling.
NO shoulder cry on men.
NO dates.
NO MEN!

I am a flirt but I don't want to be one any more.
So in order to do that I fully intend get to know myself, know what I want, and know exactally how I will behave around men. 

Besides I hope to go on a mission in a year and I do not want anything to stop that from happening.

Running in circles....

You know I'm really screwed up.
I know I've said that before but it's true.
I'm still in love with him OH HOW IN LOVE with him I am.
And to make it better there's another man I love as well.
Also I'm trying to get over both of them by crushing on another guy.
I give up.
Love sucks.
Being lonely sucks.
Right now this really sucks!