OH PUPPY POOP!!!!

I was fine!
I was okay!
I was finially getting over you!
AND NOW I HAVE TO START ALL OVER AGAIN!
Why? Why did you have to mention our first kiss?
That night was the start of a journy of discovery that I never thought I would go on.
DAMN YOU!
It's not fair!
IT'S NOT FAIR!
I love you, but it's not fair that I can't get over you and move on easily.
I miss you and I still want you to be in my life.
I just I wish I wasn't in love with you anymore.
Or maybe I do.

Weirdness!!!

Total and compleat weridness today.
I went to this Ward function call "Pie night", basically it's and excuse to get together and eat junk food.
And the strangest people showed up.
Not one, not two, not three, but four people I never thought I'd ever see again were there.
Two of them were from my sunday school classes growing up.

And the other two I graduated with.
WEIRDNESS!!
And the weirdest part is that one of them I hadn't spoken to since junior high, and he had a conversation with me.
This guy and I hadn't spoken two words to each other since the last day of junior high when he wrote in my year book "you're a sweet girl but I'm just not into girls yet."
What happened was that the first batch walked in and I waved and nothing.
So when he walked in I waved in jest.
Well the joke was on me!
He stoped said hi and then struck up a conversation.
I was so embaressed that he actually stoped that I turned beat red!
And I think he got the impression that I still liked him.
WRONG!!!
Sure he's got cute since I last saw him but no way.
During high school he acted like a total wang to me.
I will give him a chance to be nice to me but I totally doubt we'll even be friends.


On a unrealted side note ouch he's hot!
And I really like starting at his backend!
Course he always had a great backend.
YUM!

Good dream

Last night I had a good dream....
Which made me sad because it was invaded by someone I've been missing for almost twenty months now.
He's one of my favorite people in the world and I can't call him.
I can't see him. I can't facebook him or email.
All I can do is write him a letter... and I'm beginning to think he doesn't want me to write him anymore.


But forget those stupid fears I'm going to tell you about my good dream before it fades entirely away.

It started out with me and him in a lecture for LDS Institute.
We were in the back talking.
Then all of a sudden we were in a play.
One that was set during World War II, and was a love story.
He and I were playing the leads.
There was no kissing in the dream.
There was nothing seductive or flirtatious about the way he held me in the dream.
He was just holding me close telling me how much he love me for protecting him.
I don't know what I did to protect him.
I don't know how I chose to do what I did.
But I do know that when his arms were around me holding me to him I wanted to cry from happiness.
Is it a vision of the future?
Is it a wish of the heart?
I don't know. I don't care.
All I know was that dream made me feel good about myself.
And I haven't felt good about myself in a long time.
Thank you E!

Confession of a self distructive looney

I've come to the conclusion that I am completely insane.
I fall for guys who are totally wrong for me.
I also fall for guys who it will never work with.
And the compleatly totally nice guys who I can't be attracted to.
It's really quite sad.
I will never find someone to be with.
Atleast not for a while anyways.
I can't seem to make any kind of realationship work.

To the guy I hurt the most this year....

Dear Good Guy,
I'm sorry I hurt you.
I'm sorry I couldn't give you a second chance.
I was just so broken that I couldn't even see stright.
I also believe that we both tried too hard to make our relationship work.
Neither one of us wanted to be alone.
Neither one of us wanted our relationship to fail.
But we both failed because neither one of us were ready or prepaired for a real relationship.
But I am thankful for our relationship because it means I can actually have one.
You opened me up to my feelings and I'm thankful for that.
But I'm sorry I had to hurt you to find that out.
And every night I pray that the woman of your dreams finds you soon.


Good-bye! Good luck! And I hope someday we both can forgive me for the horriable thing I did to you.

Two steps Forward one step back

I must really hate myself.
Because every time I see your picture my heart skips a beat.
I get that no matter how much I love you we'll never be together.
But that doesn't stop me from missing you.
It doesn't stop how much I want to be with you.
I want you in my life.
I don't want to just be friends.
But that's not gonna happen.
Maybe it's just cause I'm sick and can't think straight.
Maybe it's because I'm so lonely that i want to cry.
Maybe just maybe I just can't get over you.
At least until I find someone else.
Oh how I wish I never fell in love with you!
I wish my feelings for you could actually be turned off and go away.
Because until I get over you, I won't be able to find the man for me.
And now maybe it will take me a while to find him.
And admit that I love him.
But I pray that when I do I will be completely over you.

Gratitude

I'm grateful for the people in my life who show kindness and friendship without even trying.
The people at church who welcome me every week.
They make me smile and make my day without even realizing it.
I am grateful to the one person who sits next to me during Sunday School. 
You gave me the courage to continue going to church even when it was so painful all I could do was cry like a baby.
I am thankful for the bishop who was so kind an caring when I felt like nothing.
I am so glad for you council and kind words, they made me feel like I was a good person.
I am thankful for a mother who loves me so much she willing to help me pay bill even when she doesn't have the funds to do so.
I am thankful for the knowledge that families can be together for eternity.
I am thankful for the being able to be with Grandma during about his last moments on earth.
I am thankful for Joe.
The good, the bad, and the friendship that came out our complications.
I am thankful having loved and lost.
I am thankful for the knowledge that I won't end up alone.
I know this because I now know that I have too much love to give to remain single forever.
I am thankful for a Heavenly Father who loves me so much he send people in my life to take care of me and for me to take care of.
Thank You!

Time heals all wounds.

I guess I'll never truly get over him.
And I guess that's okay.
Just cause I love him doesn't mean I always have to be in love with him.
Him leaving is the best thing for us.
He and I actually talk now.
We have real conversations with actual words and everything.
I miss him everyday.
But each day I miss him just a tiny bit less.
And hopefully someday soon I won't miss him at all. :)
And that day I look forward to more and more as time goes by.
Ain't love grand!
I'm so happy for a heart that can heal.